Chemical dependency is not an isolated effect that affects only one individual. For every case, there are multiple victims. Apart from the chemically dependent person, the prime victims are his wife, parents and children.

 Each family seems unique. Yet all of them have certain common traits and characteristics. All families tend to react in patterned and predictable ways when one member of the family becomes the victim of chemical dependency.

The working of the family is directly related to and influenced by the sickness of the chemically dependent person. The members of any family operate in a system, wherein they are interdependent and work together for survival and enjoyment. When there is stress, the whole family readjusts and realigns itself in order to bring about balance and stability.

The family of the chemically dependent person is a set of hurt, confused people. They are victims of addiction who do not use chemicals, but are nevertheless

Victimized by the drug. They are victims struggling desperately to solve their problems.

"The chemically dependent partner numbs his feelings, and the non-abuser is doubled over in pain relieved only by anger and occasional fantasies", Wrote Janet Geringer Woititz.

The family members of the chemically dependent person suffer in the background of the sick person. These people are rarely treated as individuals who need help. They are rarely given a personalized recovery programmed for their problems and pain. The pathetic truth is that they are also desperately in need of proper help, support and understanding.

These people, who do not drink or take drugs but are victimized by chemical abuse, are called codependents. Codependency is a normal reaction to the abnormal behavior of people around.
 

Chemical dependency means being physically and psychologically dependent on alcohol or other drugs.

Codependency means being a partner in dependency. Codependency is an emotional, psychological, and behavioral condition that develops as a result of an individual's prolonged exposure to, and practice of, a set of oppressive rules – rules which prevent the open expression of feelings as well as the direct discussion of personal and interpersonal problems.' (Robert Subby). Codependency" is the term used to describe a person whose life is affected, as a result of her involvement with the chemically dependent person. This codependent normally develops an unhealthy pattern of coping with life. Even though she wants the addict to give up drugs totally, she unconsciously takes up defective and destructive roles which strengthen his chemical dependency.

Codependents are people who keep on reacting. They react to the problems, pains, and behavior of others. They react to their own problems and pains. They will have to be guided to act rather than to react. They need a great deal of help to learn to act.

As the problems around mount up, codependency leads to isolation, depression, emotional/physical illness and suicidal attempts. Like any other repetitive behavior, it becomes habitual. Codependents keep repeating habits without thinking; and these habits automatically take on a life of their own.

Let us now analyze the various responses and behavioral patterns of codependents.

Emotional responses

 When a chemically dependent person gets into trouble and develops problems due to the abuse of chemicals, his family is deeply concerned and gets upset.

 Guilt

The emotional response to addictive illness in a family member frequently has its roots in guilt feelings. Our culture often implies that if a person drinks too much, or takes to addictive drugs, someone else is to be blamed.

Normally, the outside world blames the wife or parents.

"Ram's wife is from a very rich family. She is arrogant and always tries to boss over him. She does not care for him at all. No wonder Ram drinks a lot."

"I have never seen parents like these. They are very indulgent. They never cared for their son. They put him in a hostel. Poor boy! That is why he is on drugs!"

Society's attitude and outlook automatically lead to self-blame.

"Am I responsible for his drinking?"

"Am I inadequate)"

"Does he deserve a better wife?"

Such self blame produces more guilt and shame. Guilt of this proportion cannot be sustained or tolerated. Therefore in the course of time, each starts blaming the other, and this illusion prevents both the partners from developing self-awareness which might lead to a positive change. Each is trapped in his or her own net – he chemically dependent person in dependency, the spouse in the equally familiar and repetitive pattern of behavior and attitude.

 Grief

Grief is another emotional response of the family to addiction. The family has lost tie pleasures of life. It is not a total loss that can be confirmed by death and mourning and a consequential healing. It is a chronic extended period of loss and anxiety with no visible end. There is the mere physical presence which neither helps nor supports. On the other hand, the presence itself creates unmanageable problems.

For the family members, grief is the result of all sorts of losses - loss of prestige, loss of family and personal dignity , loss of feelings of love, loss of care and understanding, loss of security, loss of friends, loss of finances - loss in each and every area of their life.

The most pathetic truth is that they do not share their feelings of grief with anyone. They suffer each and every problem all alone.

Just like any bereaved person, they need someone to listen to them as they pour out their grief; someone to understand that they are also victims of the disease; someone to help them to shift their feelings from the dependent person towards their own self. This is the only way which can help them overcome grief.   

Anger
When they are not even heard, they experience anger and deep sadness. Initially this anger is focused towards the addict and his inappropriate behavior.

 "Everyone is laughing at us. We are not able to go out at all- is all because of you. Aren't you ashamed of yourself? I wish you were dead!"

As the disease worsens, the wife or parents are unable to manage the enormous problems any more. They do not know what to do. Their utter helplessness makes them get more angry. Now their anger does not have any focus at all. They are angry with themselves, with their husband even when he is not drinking, with their children, friends, society in short; their anger is directed towards the entire world at large.

Even though the family members are extremely angry, they never let off steam. Hostility lurks just below the surface, waiting for an opportunity to come out in the open. Anger sometimes

Explodes, but the family member is not able to achieve anything positive.

The addict gets angry and shouts throughout the night. The wife starts shouting at him the next morning. In either case, the other person does not listen at all. The most important fact is that the wife does not feel guilty any more for having shouted at him. As both of them shout at each other in turn, their anger seems to get evened out.

Problems do not get resolved. Anger therefore does not subside. It continues to bubble. Their anger gets misplaced; they shout at their children. Suppression of anger leads to physical problems like migraine headache, digestive disorders, etc.

With family members, anger is often the result of a mental conflict. Family members take care of the dependent person, but hate the painful experiences that they are forced to undergo. They become 'caretakers with the only purpose of keeping their dignity intact and saving their own face. This caretaking attitude is not connected with any feeling of deep love at all. The painful experiences lead to anger towards the addict; and it is not at all easy to separate the dependency from the person. The wife feeds the alcoholic when he comes home totally drunk (caretaking). More often the same wife feels that he should die so that her life can be peaceful (hate).

Hurt

If anger is suppressed within a person, it automatically result is in frustration, resentment and hurt feelings.

Emotional pain can be very deep and destructive. As the harmful dependency progresses, his inappropriate behavior can no more be hidden. At every point, the family members feel humiliated. They are ashamed of the person, of his shameful behavior, and they cannot do anything about it. It hurts to become involved in unnecessary arguments or witness angry exchanges. Normally the addict blames them for his shortcomings.

"I am not asking you to stay with me. I don't need you at all! You can go out of this house and get lost. I don't care!"

Her immediate reaction will be

"I am not staying here for your sake. I am tolerating all these things only because I realise I have a duty towards my family and my children. If I had been as irresponsible as you, I would have left you long ago!"

Even though she shouts, she is deeply hurt. This sort of deep emotional hurt adds to her feelings of guilt and shame. At times, she makes efforts to change her attitude and starts showing care and warmth. Even then she finds that none of her efforts lead to anything positive. The addict continues with his abuse and all the problems remain the same as before.

Shame

Most of the painful experiences resulting from chemical dependency bring a lot of shame to the family members. The inappropriate behavior of the addict in front of relatives and friends makes the family terribly embarrassed. As the situation in the family becomes worse, shame multiplies and the person starts feeling ashamed of the entire family ashamed of the dependent and ashamed of all the other family members including her. Shame produces low self-worth in each and every member of the family.

For example, the mother of an addict refrains from attending any social function because she is scared that people will ask about her son and his addiction. The very thought leads to shame and hatred.

Fear

Living in a problematic, distressed family produces fear fear of the future, fear of family life, fear of financial matters, fear of relationships, fear of arguments, fear about the dependent's physical wellbeing, fear about his drunkenness and a persistent fear that nothing is going to become normal.

"What will happen to the family if things get worse?"

In fact, she is deeply afraid of everything. Even minor events cause her a lot of tension. For instance, if her child comes home five minutes late from school, she becomes terribly scared. But she does not bother to take any positive action that may alleviate her fear. These feelings of fear are the result of the internalized emotional stress which each individual family member experiences.

Loneliness

The stressful situation in the chemically dependent's family results in the breakdown of normal family communication. Love, care, and concern are lost in the stress, anxiety and crisis experienced on a day-to-day basis. The isolation created by lack of communication always leads to bitter loneliness.

To protect themselves from further emotional pain, they try to hide their emotions and do not disclose them to anyone outside. They begin to take on protective defensive behavioral patterns.

The family members talk a lot; but they never communicate with a purpose; they never share their feelings or emotions with each other. They also do not communicate with others around them. As a matter of fact, they are always deeply alone.

Problems experienced by the family members during recovery

As chemical dependency develops into a family disease, virtually all the members of the family need some kind of help to recover. If chemical dependency has existed in the family over a long time, it is most likely that all the members of the family will be in need of some outside help in restoring themselves to a state of health and happiness.

As already stated, in their efforts to protect themselves from the pain of the disease, they wouid have developed their Own emotionally insufficient ways of coping with the problem. They would have already lost the battle.

If one member of the family makes efforts towards fundamental changes, it automatically creates a tendency in the other member to also change considerably.

Addiction is a disease that has taken years to develop and therefore cannot be resolved overnight, even with treatment. The family should be prepared for a long and conscious process of recovery. Rather than reacting with despair or defeat, the family members can help the addict to return to sobriety. Abstinence is the first step. During subsequent recovery, the family members must adjust to each other one new basis in the course of which new problems may emerge. Roles and functions undertaken by the wife all along would have probably provided some satisfaction. But some of these have to be necessarily given up.

Some problems experienced during chemical dependency may linger during the recovery period also. Lack of communication, unsatisfactory sexual relation- ship, mismanagement of finances, or difficulty in maintaining discipline can no longer be attributed to the stress caused by addiction or by the addicted individual, She should start "owning up" and accepting responsibility for some of -the problems at home. Actually adjustment is initially difficult, but definitely possible.